Event Horizon

My day at work usually comprises keeping an eye on our school network. We have an outbound connection to AT&T for our internet and this time of year, the schools in the district are doing online testing. It tends to use most of our bandwidth, so I like to keep an eye on things, just in case the balloon goes up. Like today. We were cruising along at maximum bandwidth and suddenly, it dropped to zero. Boom. Nothing, nada, zip. I stepped into the Library, (I live in the back of the Library), and told them the internet has gone away. Elroy (1, 2) raised an eyebrow at me. I then told them in the event of no internet, the protocol is to get a soccer ball, magic marker and tiki torches (obscure reference of old youtube video). Elroy quickly pointed out no incendiaries in school. Always the negative Nancy, with that boy.

Next up the Physics teacher steps into my office and says the internet seems to be down. I told him yup, and showed him my screen, various little bobbles indicating the health of our servers and bandwidth. I also told him it was a probable backhoe that cut the line, cause in my 15 plus years of dealing with technology, that was the most likely cause of “the internet went away.” I did tell him that an AT&T automated call given to our Tech office indicated that technicians are being dispatched due to network outages. He understood that the backhoe theory was purely conjecture by me. So the first person he sees in the hallway is the Rosetta Stone teacher, whose students only do online learning. He told Rosetta boy that he was hosed, cause a backhoe cut our internet. Rosetta dude tells the next teacher he sees and so on and so forth.

One of our Special Ed teachers was in the library and Elroy was agitating to up our game and tell people it was the North Koreans with an EMP blast and bla bla bla… I told him that was way too complicated, just tell them it was a Korean made backhoe in New Jersey. The Special Ed guy walks out laughing.

About 10 minutes later, a ninth grade English teacher comes in and tells me that a Korean backhoe has cut an internet cable in New York and when would we get out internet back? I had to take a moment to compose myself. I told her I was not sure, but I would call New York and find out. She was happy with that and left. Couple of maintenance guys were back by the coffee machine and one of them asked if I was sure it was not due to chemtrails. We were all giggling so much it was hard to keep a straight face when a few minutes later, another Special Ed guy walked in. He’s a giant Hawaiian dude with a good sense of humor, and asks what’s going on. I told him it was a toss up between New York backhoes and chemtrails. He starts laughing and heads out the door. I heard somebody ask him if he had heard about the backhoe…. No dude, he says, it was CHEMTRAILS. “Really?” I hear the guy say.